Home Archive By Category "Opinion" (Page 2)
I Think the Vet Might Have Removed Something, Man

I Think the Vet Might Have Removed Something, Man

Alright, don’t freak out. I mean, I’m freaking out, but don’t you freak out too, or that’ll just make it worse. So, remember how you took me to that horrible smelly place with the rubber glove lady? You know, the place they stuck me with needles that one time and you just stood by and […]

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OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THIS STUFF I LOVE IT

OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THIS STUFF I LOVE IT

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY! I SMELLED SOMETHING WEIRD LAST NIGHT BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS. AND THEN I KEPT HEARING CARS GO PAST AND THE SOUND WAS VERY STRANGE. AND NOW I UNDERSTAND IT WAS BECAUSE SOMEONE PUT A BUNCH OF THIS WHITE STUFF OUTSIDE AND IT IS EVERYWHERE AND […]

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Hey, Um, This Is My Seat Now

Hey, Um, This Is My Seat Now

Oops, looks like you got up. Since you’ve been sitting there for a good long while, so I’d hate for that residual warmth to go to waste. I’m gonna just… Ah, yep. Perfect. Not to hot, not too cool. I’d be totally fine with just reclining here for the rest of the afternoon. Even got […]

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Nowhere Is Safe From My Tongue

Nowhere Is Safe From My Tongue

Look, John, if it is your wish, I will allow you to persist in your false comfort. I noticed your little stunt a moment ago, when you saw me staring at the ice cream cone in your hand and you moved it a few more inches away. As if that would help. As if it […]

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If I’m Not Back in Five Minutes, Go On Without Me

If I’m Not Back in Five Minutes, Go On Without Me

Alright, human. This is where we part ways. There’s a bird over there, or maybe it’s a leaf, or even a monster, but I’m going after it, and if I’m not back in five minutes, go on without me. Maybe it was foolish, this whole charade about me being a domesticated pet. Sometimes I’m even […]

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An Open Letter to My Human Who Slept in 12 Minutes

An Open Letter to My Human Who Slept in 12 Minutes

We’ve lived together a long time. We’ve grown together. But we had a deal: you feed me, and I don’t wake you up before your alarm goes off. You broke that deal. Today could have been a morning just like any other. I had waited the standard four hours since my 3 a.m. spaz-out and […]

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