You know, if we’re going to be married at this time next year, we’re going to have to be engaged pretty soon here. Like, now-ish. Get what I’m saying? Or I might get the urge to, like, kick a bunny.
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Wait, I Forget, Is This Not the Litter Box?
Look, I realize that occasionally I get it wrong, but I remember which one is the actual litter box, like, at least 80 percent of the time. That’s pretty good in my book.
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I Would Like to Apply for Your Open Hen House Guard Position
Manager of Home 312 S. Cherry St. Wheeling, WV 26003 Greetings, I am writing to apply for what appears to be an open Hen House Guard position. My knowledge and experience makes me the ideal candidate for this position. I am familiar with the ins and outs of urban chicken farming, and I have been […]
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I Don’t Know Why That Dog Is Barking, But I Better Bark Too
Uh oh. Danger. Something is happening. Don’t you hear that? Chester across the street is barking. Or maybe it’s Daisy. Could be Rope. It also kind of sounds like Benji. You know what, I don’t know which dog it is, but they’re barking. So I better bark too. Bark! Bark bark bark! Bark! What? Why […]
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Please Pet Me. Wait, No, Not Like That. Or That. Not That Either.
Ah, welcome home, human. Hey, can you come over here and pet me? Pleeeease? I would be very ingratiated to you if you did. Oh, what’s this, you’re getting the food out? Ah, makes sense. I suppose that is normally my first request when you get home. Mm, smells good, but I really just want […]
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My Cat Keeps Posing for Photos Without Me Asking And I Don’t Know Why
At first it was cute. Then it was strange. Now I am genuinely terrified. I don’t know how it happened or what it means, but my cat keeps posing for photos, and it’s completely freaking me out. This morning, for instance, I walked onto my porch and found her laying on her back on a […]
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Sis, Don’t Move. There’s a Bird, Like, RIGHT There.
Whoa. Sis. Act cool. There is a bird, like right there. Don’t move, or you might spook it. Ooooh man, would you look at it? That is one plump turkey. Not literally a turkey—I think it’s a blue jay or something, but it’s definitely been making some return trips to the buffet, if you know […]
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I’m Really Not Sure How I Feel About This New Cat
I just want you to know two things up front so that my opinion doesn’t sound in any way bigoted or closed-minded. First, I do like cats. Really, they’re great. Remember Cooties? She was a great cat. She welcomed me into the home and showed me the ropes back when I was adopted. It was […]
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Cats Actually Really Like the Presidential Alert System
Normally when some kind of social media storm gets stirred up, I stay quiet. Let the kids eat their Tide Pods. Pay no attention to the public shaming of some stranger. Ignore the latest outrage. But as a cat, I cannot let this lie stand. Contrary to what some humans are saying on Twitter, we […]
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Psst, Anybody Home?
Helloooo? Anybody home? I was just under these covers minding my own business, but it sounded like you were in a hurry to get out the door this morning. Such a hurry, in fact, that you didn’t remember to put me in the basement. So if you’re gone, and I’m up here, that means… I’m […]
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