Home Archive By Category "News" (Page 2)
Government Deploys Baskets of Kittens to Solve Nation’s Problems

Government Deploys Baskets of Kittens to Solve Nation’s Problems

Washington, DC—Late yesterday the Department of Health and Human Services activated a never-before-used measure to combat the host of problems the nation is facing. In coordination with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, 2 million baskets of kittens were deployed across the country, each with 4 kittens in them. The kittens were moved from local shelters […]

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Woman Savors Last Few Seconds Before Cat Mauls Hand

Woman Savors Last Few Seconds Before Cat Mauls Hand

Pomona, CA—Closing her eyes and taking in the serene moment of blissful connection, local special education teacher Samantha Summers rubs her cat’s belly in peace knowing that her hand will soon be brutally mauled. Summers found herself in this situation after her cat hopped onto her lap and curled up a few minutes before. After […]

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Dog Upset After Discovering Couch Cushion Not Another Dog

Dog Upset After Discovering Couch Cushion Not Another Dog

Mobile, AL—Blushing beneath his fur and avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room, local dog Caesar is attempting to grapple with the fact that his favorite couch cushion is, in fact, not another dog. After being caught furiously humping the cushion by his owner, local real estate agent Padma Barad, Caesar prepared for the […]

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Dog Caught Red-Handed Ignoring Nearby Squirrel

Dog Caught Red-Handed Ignoring Nearby Squirrel

Memphis, TN—During a routine walk Monday morning, local dog Snooper was caught in the act of ignoring a perfectly good squirrel that he could have been chasing. Snooper’s owner, Web developer Miles Durk, was taking Snooper on a walk just outside the subdivision they live in. While walking along a road that borders a forest, […]

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Child Who Climbed Into Zoo Enclosure Ignored By Vegan Alligators

Child Who Climbed Into Zoo Enclosure Ignored By Vegan Alligators

Cincinnati, OH—A child climbed into the alligator zoo enclosure Monday morning at the Cincinnati Zoo, but as tense spectators waited for zoo officials to arrive, they were relieved to discover that the alligators in the enclosure had all recently converted to veganism. Officials at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden, who wanted to remind everyone […]

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Woman Realizes Shirt Is Actually Just Pets’ Hair

Woman Realizes Shirt Is Actually Just Pets’ Hair

Athens, GA—Local architectural engineer Rebekah Kim arrived at work this morning only to discover that the shirt she believed she was wearing was composed entirely of her pets’ hair. Kim was quite pleased with herself for arriving early to work and getting a head start on her day when she started her usual practice of […]

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Pretentious Bee Cuts in Line, Drinks All the Nectar

Pretentious Bee Cuts in Line, Drinks All the Nectar

Denver, CO—Fuming to herself, worker bee Elvira sighs in disgust after a pretentious jerk decided to cut in front of her and drink all the nectar. Elvira had been running late that morning and was one of the last to get out of the hive. She buzzed around hoping to find a nearby flower that […]

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