Basking in the warm essence of the universe’s vast stores of cosmic energy, local dog and confirmed good boy Kite has realized that he need no longer strive to be good, because he already is.
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Cat Prepares to Have Difficult But Necessary Conversation With Human Roommate About Hygiene Habits
“It’s not like he’s a bad person,” Meister explained. “He’s cool, he pets me plenty, and he always feeds me on time. But good gravy, would it kill him to shower at least every other day? If he’s not going to lick himself clean like us civilized animals, he can at least do that.”
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Zookeepers Encourage Pandas to Mate By Telling Them That All the Cool Bears Are Doing It
In the latest attempt to encourage the sexually uninterested species to procreate in captivity, zookeepers are switching tactics to the as-yet-unused method of peer pressure. Getting pandas to mate in captivity has been a struggle for many decades, and researchers and zookeepers have tried a number of methods to get the stubborn species to breed. […]
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Study Proves Sleep Improves Cognitive Performance, Cats Declared Smartest Animal in Existence
Philadelphia, PA—Following a multi-year, multi-million-dollar study which proved there is a direct link between amount of daily sleep and cognitive performance, researchers have made the logical conclusion that cats are the smartest animal in existence. Cats have long been considered among the most skilled predators, having the highest hunt-to-kill ratio of any mammal, but the […]
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Owner Learns His Cat Does Not Observe Daylight Savings Time
Ann Arbor, MI—After waking up 45 minutes before his alarm to the sensation of his cat’s tail swishing against his face, local mechanic Keith Swinton realized that his cat is either boycotting or simply unaware of the existence of Daylight Savings Time. Swinton was sure to set his clocks back one hour the night before in […]
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Study Shows Foxes Actually Just Misunderstood Dogs
A new study published earlier this month rocks the world of mammal biology with the finding that all foxes are actually just misunderstood dogs. The study compared DNA and behavior between 30 dogs and 30 foxes, concluding that foxes were in fact dogs, but were just kind of weird sometimes. “I’m glad that my work […]
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Feline Trump Fan Declares War on Kitchen China
Brooklyn, NY—Jumping up onto a shelf and heaving each dish off one by one, local cat and noted Trump supporter Georgio has declared an all-out war on the fine china in his home. Georgio decided it was time to do something after listening to the television programs his human owners watch. It became clear that […]
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Cat Bids Tearful Goodbye to Second Family Down the Street
Bend, OR—After being passed around for a series of hugs, local cat Scamper is being bid tearful goodbyes by each member of his second family down the street before they moved out of state. The family of five is leaving today to move to Arkansas after being in the area for the past twelve years, […]
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Dog Still Searching For Tennis Ball Owner Pretended to Throw Last Month
Salisbury, MD—After taking a break, local dog Julius requested his owner let him outside in order to locate the tennis ball his owner had pretended to throw almost a month ago. Last month Julius had been playing fetch when his owner, Michael Donaldson, ended the session by pretending to throw the ball. Julius searched for […]
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Bobsled Dog Starting to Question Career Path
Anchorage, AK—Standing at the back of the pack of 16 huskies, third-year Iditarod veteran Togo is beginning to question whether his career as a sled dog is turning out the way he had hoped. This is Togo’s third Iditarod, and each year he has been placed at the very back of his line of 8, […]
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