Basking in the warm essence of the universe’s vast stores of cosmic energy, local dog and confirmed good boy Kite has realized that he need no longer strive to be good, because he already is.
The revelation came to him in a moment of quiet expectation, waiting for his human to come home from work.
“Deborah, my wonderful human, was not home from work yet,” Kite told the Post in between calm breaths. “She was at least half an hour later than normal, and I began to wonder if it was punishment for some past misdeed.”
Kite spent several minutes afterward recounting the many failures of his life.
“I just knew that it must be because of something I had done,” Kite said, “and even if Deborah was not punishing me, perhaps the universe was giving me my just rewards for that time I tore apart the couch cushion. I… I knew it was bad, but I just… I did it anyway…”
After that, Kite says he fell into a moment of despair. In his grief, he scratched open a new bag of treats and started eating them.
“I felt so terrible. I didn’t even wait for my human to get home; I just broke open the bag and took as many as I could. Like an animal!”
Kite continued, “But then, in this moment of uttermost darkness in my soul, I felt like I sensed above me a light, a perfect, colorful glow shaped like a fire hydrant, and then it talked to me! It said, ‘Your lifelong quest to become a good boy was already complete the very moment you were born.’ And so I rose up out of my sadness, and I felt a soothing, ethereal calm in every paw and every hair. And I knew that the voice was right. I am a good boy.”
Kite then closed his eyes and listened to the passing of time.
His human, Deborah, arrived home some time after that.
“Yeah, he’s a great dog,” she told a reporter. “He’s always happy to see me when I get home. It looks like he got into his new cannabis treats while I was gone, though.”
She shrugged after looking at the packaging. “Shouldn’t be a big deal, though. Hopefully he didn’t eat too many.”