Home OpinionI Would Like to Apply for Your Open Hen House Guard Position
I Would Like to Apply for Your Open Hen House Guard Position

I Would Like to Apply for Your Open Hen House Guard Position

Manager of Home

312 S. Cherry St.

Wheeling, WV 26003

Greetings, I am writing to apply for what appears to be an open Hen House Guard position. My knowledge and experience makes me the ideal candidate for this position.

I am familiar with the ins and outs of urban chicken farming, and I have been frequenting hen houses for most of my life. I find the practice to be a tasty—er, I mean tasteful—part of city life, and I have been excited by its growth in the surrounding neighborhoods over the past several years.

However, with this growth comes an obvious challenge. I have, um, heard through the grapevine that several of your chickens have been made off with by local vermin, probably rats or raccoons but definitely not foxes. As I am sure you are aware, many of your neighbors with chickens have had the same thing happen to them, which is all too tragic and probably delicious for those involved.

My goal is to reverse this trend by guarding your pristine hen house from further intrusion. I will ensure you lose no more than one chicken per week, or if they’re not particularly fat maybe two. Three around Thanksgiving, perhaps. But I will ensure that no other interlopers come anywhere near the property without suffering some serious harm.

I look forward to your decision.

Cordially, Tod V. Vulpes

Popular Right Meow

Pun Horse Found Shaved, Mane Suspect Identified

Pun Horse Found Shaved, Mane Suspect Identified

Wait, I Forget, Is This Not the Litter Box?

Wait, I Forget, Is This Not the Litter Box?

Cat Prepares to Have Difficult But Necessary Conversation With Human Roommate About Hygiene Habits

Cat Prepares to Have Difficult But Necessary Conversation With Human Roommate About Hygiene Habits

Dog Pretty Sure Owner Can’t See Her Staring At Pie

Dog Pretty Sure Owner Can’t See Her Staring At Pie

Dog Achieves Zen, Realizes the Good Boy Was Inside Him All Along

Dog Achieves Zen, Realizes the Good Boy Was Inside Him All Along