Manager of Home
312 S. Cherry St.
Wheeling, WV 26003
Greetings, I am writing to apply for what appears to be an open Hen House Guard position. My knowledge and experience makes me the ideal candidate for this position.
I am familiar with the ins and outs of urban chicken farming, and I have been frequenting hen houses for most of my life. I find the practice to be a tasty—er, I mean tasteful—part of city life, and I have been excited by its growth in the surrounding neighborhoods over the past several years.
However, with this growth comes an obvious challenge. I have, um, heard through the grapevine that several of your chickens have been made off with by local vermin, probably rats or raccoons but definitely not foxes. As I am sure you are aware, many of your neighbors with chickens have had the same thing happen to them, which is all too tragic and probably delicious for those involved.
My goal is to reverse this trend by guarding your pristine hen house from further intrusion. I will ensure you lose no more than one chicken per week, or if they’re not particularly fat maybe two. Three around Thanksgiving, perhaps. But I will ensure that no other interlopers come anywhere near the property without suffering some serious harm.
I look forward to your decision.
Cordially, Tod V. Vulpes