Ah, welcome home, human. Hey, can you come over here and pet me? Pleeeease? I would be very ingratiated to you if you did.
Oh, what’s this, you’re getting the food out? Ah, makes sense. I suppose that is normally my first request when you get home. Mm, smells good, but I really just want a good scritch right now. Please? Pleeeease? Hey. Hey. Hey. Pet me. Hey.
Why are you looking at me like that? What other thing besides food do I ever want? No, don’t change the water in my dish, I—ugh, you humans really need to learn to speak in a language like us cats. It really makes life much easier. You force us to develop these elaborate physical motions to communicate with you, when a simple meow would be so much easier for both of us.
Anyway, pet me. PET MEEEE. Ah, there we go. Yep, you got it. Just a good, solid—
Ah. No. No, not there. Go back to what you were doing. NOOOO, stop. How hard is it for you to just… alright, this is fine. I’ll stand for this.
Aaaand that’s long enough in that spot, you need to move up a little higher now. Up, not down! Oh my heavens, human, could you be any worse at this?
Look, I really need a solid back scratch right now. Can you at least do that? WHY ARE YOU PICKING ME UP?!
Oh, sure, try rubbing my belly. I’m sure that won’t end with your hand sliced up like a watermelon at a 4th of July party. Are you shaking my hand? Cats don’t do that, remember? That’s a dog trick, and apparently sometimes a human trick. Gimme back my paw.
There we go, back to the head. Now all you have to do is keep doing the same thing you’re doing—
No, you’re doing it wrong again. Please, human, why? Okay, how about this: you keep your hand still, and I’ll just move my head against it in the way I want. Got it? Okay, there, that’s actually working pretty well. Aaah, yeah. My whiskers are in heaven right now. This is the stuff right here. Hey, pay attention so I don’t have to show you what to do next time.
No, don’t start trying to pet me again, we’re already way past that. I’m petting myself using your hand. No, don’t put me down! That was working just fine!
Whatever. I’ll just go stretch my claws out on the curtain or something.