Ann Arbor, MI—After waking up 45 minutes before his alarm to the sensation of his cat’s tail swishing against his face, local mechanic Keith Swinton realized that his cat is either boycotting or simply unaware of the existence of Daylight Savings Time.
Swinton was sure to set his clocks back one hour the night before in preparation for Daylight Savings Time ending, but his cat has informed him that she was never observing Daylight Savings Time to begin with and wanted to be fed immediately.
“I always hear people complain about Daylight Savings Time,” Swinton told a reporter, “but this is the first time I’ve seen a person—or in this case, a cat—just not observe it at all.”
His cat, Mouser, began by jumping on the bed and walking over Swinton’s head. Mouser than stood with her butt in Swinton’s face while swishing her tail under his nose to ensure he woke up promptly and realized his error.
“I honestly thought I had trained her to wait for my alarm to go off at 6,” Swinton complained, “but apparently it was just a coincidence that she’s let me sleep in peace until now.”
Mouser thinks people should take a stand for what they believe in concerning the time change.
“I have been living the last six months according to real time, where my breakfast time is 5 a.m., so my owner is having trouble adjusting to reality after living in his fictional land where he pretends that 5 o’clock is actually 6 o’clock,” Mouser said after she finished eating. “We cannot change time. What kind of hubris is that? I operate by the true clock, and that is my internal clock.”
Mouser was quick to explain that there was more to her opinions than just wanting breakfast at the same time every morning.
“I think Daylight Savings is an unnatural way to live,” Mouser says. “And if you look at the statistics, heart attacks actually go up 10 percent the day after Daylight Savings Time begins. We’re basically committing mass murder. I would know. I’m a cat. Murdering is, like, half my day.”
After feeding Mouser and crawling back into bed, Swinton had a few minutes of respite before Mouser jumped back into the bed and purred loudly for the next 40 minutes.
“My hope is that my owner will either join with me in boycotting this national fiction, or perhaps move us to Arizona where we can be around like-minded people.”