Washington, DC—Late yesterday the Department of Health and Human Services activated a never-before-used measure to combat the host of problems the nation is facing.
In coordination with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, 2 million baskets of kittens were deployed across the country, each with 4 kittens in them. The kittens were moved from local shelters to distribution centers, where they were grouped into fours, placed into baskets, and sent out on trucks. For more remote areas, the baskets were deployed via parachute from planes.
“Today, we launch the most audacious effort at improving public health in our country’s history,” HHS secretary Alex Azar said at a press conference. “This tidal wave of fluffiness will act as a bulwark against the onslaught of trials we face every day.”
Many citizens have responded positively thus far.
“I just can’t contain myself,” said Shirley Metzner, a blogger in Maine, while cuddling a tiny calico. “I’ve been telling my husband we should get a cat for years, but he’s always been on the fence about it. Now the debate is settled!”
While data has yet to come in on the project’s effects, FEMA has been carrying out test runs for the past year in small towns throughout the country to help approximate what the effect will be when deployed nationwide. A test in Alabama resulted in a 45 percent decrease in aggravated assault, a 32 percent decrease in traffic accidents, and an 89 percent reduction in heart attacks. The agency did note, however, that the increased dander caused allergy treatment to skyrocket briefly.
“As with any large-scale effort, there will be challenges,” said Eric Hargan, HHS deputy secretary. “We are confident they will pale in comparison to the benefits, just as we’ve seen in FEMA’s test runs.”
As with any government effort, there are detractors.
“I went out when I saw the parachute open up,” said Marvin Gaul, a mechanic in Pennsylvania, “but when I got there I saw they’d only put 3 kittens in this one. Typical government incompetence.”
FEMA declares that it is their most efficient operation to date.
Others question whether the effort will be effective.
“I just think this is going to be a problem,” said Teresa Medley, a salesperson in Oregon. “I mean, we’re here in a cul-de-sac with 9 families, but there are only 8 cat here, so that means 2 houses are going to be left without a kitten.”
Questioned on her math, Medley said something inaudible and rushed away with two kittens in her arms.
Further data will determine whether FEMA will need to follow this up with deploying baskets of puppies nationwide. If so, they expect to be ready by early 2020.