Mobile, AL—Blushing beneath his fur and avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room, local dog Caesar is attempting to grapple with the fact that his favorite couch cushion is, in fact, not another dog.
After being caught furiously humping the cushion by his owner, local real estate agent Padma Barad, Caesar prepared for the scolding he was accustomed to receiving.
“It’s just how she is,” Caesar explained. “Master seems to always get upset when I engage in relations with other animals, so I didn’t expect this time to be any different.”
Instead of a scolding, however, Caesar watched as his master looked at the cushion with disgust, then cast it aside. As she stormed off, Caesar got a better look at the cushion and realized with embarrassment that it was not, in fact, another dog, but a normal couch cushion.
Caesar sat in stunned silence for several minutes contemplating this existential crisis.
“I just can’t believe it. I really thought there was a connection there. She… it?… smelled so good, and I thought we were having a good time. But she… it… was just a couch cushion all along…”
Barad is possibly just as confused as Caesar.
“I don’t get it,” Barad confessed to the Post reporter. “Why is he always chasing lady dogs around? And now he goes and does this. He’s neutered, for crying out loud!”
Caesar wonders whether this will affect how he approaches future relationships.
“I’d like to think I’ll be able to keep meeting other ladies,” he said morosely, “But I think I may be a little more cautious starting out. Maybe take things a little slower.”
He sighs in resignation, staring out the window.
“I think I’ll be okay in the long run. I have a lot to look forward to. I just don’t want to get hurt again.”