Pacific Ocean—Lamenting his relationship with the other marine life, spurned socialite jellyfish Frederick floats alone in the middle of the ocean, as no one else is interested in playing tag with him.
Frederick has had many failed attempts in his efforts to find someone to play tag with, and all have rejected him either immediately or soon after playing.
“I just don’t get it,” Frederick confided to a scuba-suit-wearing Post reporter. “It’s not like everyone around here is just dull and doesn’t want to play. I see the dolphins playing tag all the time. But then when I come around they’re always all, ‘Oh, actually we need to get to work. See you around.’ Ugh.”
When asked if he had any idea why the other animals avoided tag, he says he has some theories.
“Well, I am pretty slow,” Frederick admitted. “Maybe they just don’t want to hurt my feelings by beating me every time. I could see that running through some people’s minds.”
He knows that can’t be the only reason, though.
“But then what would be the polyps’ excuse, then? They’re not exactly lapping me on the race track. Maybe it weirds them out that my gonads are showing? I dunno.”
At the close of the interview, he offered a tentacle for the reporter to shake. The reporter declined.
“Ugh, you’re just like everyone else!” he screamed before storming off.