Columbus, OH—A multi-decade study has solved the mystery of what happens to socks when only one of a pair survives: they are all—every one of them—eaten by dogs.
The study hopes to put to rest the conundrum that has plagued humanity for centuries.
“The evidence speaks to a clear, incontrovertible truth,” the paper states. “There has never been a missing sock that wasn’t eaten by a dog.”
The team is confident about their conclusion.
“There is no question about the findings,” says Stan McMasterson, the lead researcher for the team. “None.”
We asked members of the public what they thought about this study.
“Oh, I’ve known that all along,” said Trisha Plotts, a retired Air Force colonel with five dogs. “They’ll eat just about anything.”
“I certainly want it to be true,” admitted May Summers, a clerk at a local health food store. “It would make me feel better about losing them.”
One resident took issue with the finding.
“I lose socks all the time,” complained Ted Cook, a mechanic, “and I don’t even have a dog! How is that supposed to work?”
McMasterson remains adamant, however. “It doesn’t matter whether you have a dog or not, it doesn’t matter whether you often lose other things as well, it doesn’t even matter if you sometimes find the missing socks. Our results prove conclusively that ever single missing sock in the entire world was eaten by a dog. Period.”
