Home NewsNeighborhood Jerk Still Not Interested In Letting You Pet Him
Neighborhood Jerk Still Not Interested In Letting You Pet Him

Neighborhood Jerk Still Not Interested In Letting You Pet Him

Champaign, IL—A black and white cat known by various names in the Robeson Park neighborhood still reportedly has no interest in being petted, no matter how much he hints to the contrary.

“Oh yeah, I’ve seen that putz around here a bunch,” said Miriam Gage, who runs the nearby laundromat. “Li’l Sneakers. He comes up and meows at you but then runs away the second you reach down to pet him.”

Several neighborhood residents agreed, painting a picture of a cat who seems like he wants something, but is just utterly opposed to letting anyone actually get near him.

“Turnip? That a-hole? Yup, I know him,” said Barch Nipple, a mechanic. “Stands in the driveway when I’m trying to back out most mornings. Half surprised I haven’t run him over by now. Not sure how he’s made it this long.”

Some neighbors still have hope that he’ll come around. “He’s really just a sweetheart, that Taters,” said Meredith Chapman, a retiree who lives on the corner. “He comes on the back porch sometimes, and I’ll feed him strips of lunch meat. He always grabs it and runs away growling, though. But I’m sure he’d be real nice if he wasn’t such a curmudgeon. Kind of reminds me of my ex-husband.”

Chapman appears to be in the minority, however. No other neighbors voiced any opinion defending the cat of many names.

“I was grilling on my back porch last Saturday,” said Gage Mansly, an accountant in Urbana. “Here comes this cat, hopped all the way on top of the fence, we’re talking seven feet up, and he just starts meowing at me. Meows for a good ten minutes. So I throw him a little piece of chicken, and he just looks at it, then goes back to meowing. So I think maybe he wants me to pet him, so I reach up and he scratches me! Ungrateful little prick. I should’a barbecued him.

Our reporter approached the controversial feline for comment, but after a few comments about the weather, he stalked off and wasn’t seen again.

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